Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
