Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im six kinds of drunk right now
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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