i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
