Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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