My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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