Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
