im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
