I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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