I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
