I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
