I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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