Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
