Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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