Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
