in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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