Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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