I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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