he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
