All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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