There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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