I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
