dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
