She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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