I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
