Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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