i already hear my dad disowning me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
