My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
