I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
