I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
