ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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