if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize
