Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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