my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
