I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
