I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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