Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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