Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
