you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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