i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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