My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
