I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
