i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Vodka?
Forever.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
