my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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