i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
