I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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