maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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