My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
