so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
