It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
