Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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