I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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